


you've fucked up so many times you have forgotten who you were before

by artsyspikedhair



Series: nonono, your brain shouts out as you remember the tragedy you're forced to call your life [4]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Autism, Autistic Grantaire, Depression, Grantaire Angst, I'm Going to Hell, Lowercase, Other, POV Second Person, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Trans Grantaire, Trans Male Character, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 10:42:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8099065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: you sit next to marius pontmercy in history class. this wouldn't be problem, except the teacher is his girlfriend's father, who has an uncomfortable interest in your personal life. and marius has the worst political opinions in history.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this actually happened. kill me please.

you sit next to marius pontmercy in history class. this wouldn't be a problem, except the teacher is his girlfriend's father, who has an uncomfortable interest in your personal life. and marius has the worst political opinions in history. 

this all amounts to one thing: you have an anxious marius next to you, advocating for the death penalty, while enjolras glares at him, and mr. valjean is staring worryingly at you, because you are flapping your hands. you wish that your teachers had bothered noticing your iep, but they never do. you cannot stand the tension, so almost you cry out. 

but then marius begins a second argument. "like," he starts, "like with rapists. nobody who violates someone else like that deserves to live, so it is our duty to kill them all." now this you can agree with, but the mention of rape makes your crotch feel all funny and your breathing get tight, and you really, really regret wearing your binder. you can feel him creeping in again. 

this would not normally be a problem, but you ran into Liam right before history class, talking with montparnasse and eponine. eponine, the girl you thought was your friend. she is your friend. she is your friend but she doesn't know and you cannot, no, will not tell her or anyone and, well, look at that, your heart is racing and you are panicking. nice. you clench your jaw, hands still flapping, unsure what the fuck is being said. you do not care. 

suddenly people are leaving. you grab your backpack. you are the last one to finish packing up. mr. valjean asks to talk to you. you swear under your breath, but you stay. 

"R," he says, and he is one of the only teachers to get your name right, but something about this still feels creepy, being alone with men always feels creepy, and you hate yourself a bit more for this. "I noticed you seemed out of it in class today? is everything alright? anything going on at home that perhaps I should know about?" 

anything at home, like your screaming, distant mother? like the antidepressants you haven't taken in four days because you forgot? but you know he means real problems, so you mutter a "nothing's wrong, just got a bit anxious," and start on your way again. 

but, damn him, mr. valjean notices that you tense as you pass him. "is this about what we were discussing in class? you know, if you-if anyone raped you, you can talk to me, right?" you are running out of the room now. 

that night, when you go home, you take a pushpin to your chest. it bleeds and leaves marks, and you were a month clean but now you are nothing, you are as worthless as the help mr. valjean offered. this is the closest an adult has come to knowing, and you hate yourself for being scared. 


End file.
